Someone has stripped the top layer of my skin. He was frustrated with what little he saw on the surface and wanted to see what lie beneath … only, after cutting through to the white meat, he found that he had reached to high in his curiosity. When the blood began to flow and would not stop, when I screamed in my agony, angst, wonder and passion at being so utterly exposed it was too much for him to bear. He found, underneath the surface, a life lived to exhaustion, but still unbelievably famished. He found, underneath the surface, unchecked, untested passion its blue flame searing his heart on contact. He found, underneath the surface, love, a love gone unanswered and unrequited for far too long. And beneath the love he found, underneath the surface, a frightened woman child trembling like a summer leaf who forgot to die before the bitterness of winter took hold. Someone … has stripped the top layer of my skin. This once frustrated, curios boy, now a frightened man holds my soul in shaking hands as he spins and spins on a world turning opposite his own rotation. He tries, in vain; to replace the pieces he has stripped from me, he cannot take the responsibility. Little does he know, he is not the first to try. Many have tried and failed, each carrying a piece of my essence ... bits of my soul, my tears, my blood, my life. None have possessed the constitution, none have had courage enough to stop spinning even for a moment so that I may find out what lies beneath … so that we might share, and be one. Thus, he continues to spin, he continues to flounder with pieces he stole leaving me less than me … broken, not whole, wholly lost, and inexorably cold.
Cheeks …
Someone has stripped the top layer of my skin ... an exercise ...
Good Day everyone!! So ... I guess you are wondering what the heck happened to his blog almost a week ago? Well folks raw emotion happened and I had to take a hiatus, taking past thoughts and ideas along for the trip ... it was an interesting trip by the way. I learned a lot about myself, a lot about my life, and most of all I learned that I am in fact alive, well, and more than capable of feeling.
After I came down from an adrenaline induced high I told a friend that there are times I wish I was born a more analytical calculating person ... it seems like people with a head for numbers and those who live 9-5 corporate lives and really love it are more happy because they are not bogged down with these crazy ass feelings and emotions all the time. It seems like less creative people are the sane ones in the world...
Me on the other hand … well let’s just say I have more issues than Cosmo! But, after having gone into hiding for a short while, I always come back and the sun is shining brighter than ever. I have n puzzle piece for you today… just a nice video and a wish that you all have been well. I look forward to inundating you with my neurotic search for meaning and the where and what for of life, but not today! ;)
Cheeks <3
After I came down from an adrenaline induced high I told a friend that there are times I wish I was born a more analytical calculating person ... it seems like people with a head for numbers and those who live 9-5 corporate lives and really love it are more happy because they are not bogged down with these crazy ass feelings and emotions all the time. It seems like less creative people are the sane ones in the world...
Me on the other hand … well let’s just say I have more issues than Cosmo! But, after having gone into hiding for a short while, I always come back and the sun is shining brighter than ever. I have n puzzle piece for you today… just a nice video and a wish that you all have been well. I look forward to inundating you with my neurotic search for meaning and the where and what for of life, but not today! ;)
Cheeks <3
Good morning again all, Cheeks here. I found this piece hiding in the back of a book I had started, but have yet to finish reading. The title of the book is of no consequence. The thing that is important is a note written to me on the inside of the back cover. It is a note written to me from a person I love so much it hurts to even think about him; and apparently, according to the note, he loved me too … only not enough to do anything about it. Story of my life I suppose. Anyways, the note got me to thinking … what is love really, and why do we loose our minds over it? Why do we covet the ever illusive idea of love so? And what makes some of us more apt for love, and others of us, like myself … utterly unlovable?I guess the place to start is to divine the one thing everyone wants, the one thing every human being, whether s/he will admit it requires from a potential mate, perfection. We always want that perfect person … that safe person to be with. Only, we get the idea of perfect so wrong. In looking at the people in life whom I have chosen to get close to … they were pretty perfect … everyone has loved them. They had the perfect face, perfect clothes, perfect hair, the perfect job, but when it came right down to it, they were not perfect for me … not even close. They had no idea who I was, hell they had no idea who they were, and they had no intentions on getting to really know either of us because they were too busy being … perfect.Now as I sit here writing you I am seeing that yes … the one I love must be perfect … but for me, they mustn’t be perfect for the world. In fact, I think … if the one I love is perfect for me, and my perfect person will certainly have flaws, beautiful flaws, so then how could he possibly be perfect for the world? Ha, my head is spinning. Have I found my ‘perfect’ person? I thought I had … in fact I know I have before … but again, I am never the perfect fit he is looking for, well not until years have passed and circumstances will not allow for us to get together.
I am thinking the reason so many people have such miserable relationships that they are effectively stuck in is one, their perfect person is perfect not for them and their relationship, but s/he is all nice and shiny for the world outside the relationship, and this situation is conducive to disaster every time. And the second problem with most relationships is simply that when we love ... when we really love ... we are not responding to simple emotions. When we love, we see something of ourselves in the soul of another, something we are drawn to, something necessary for our own survival ... and in that realization, in that union we find our humanity union, we find our humanity. When we love, we know untainted greatness.
However, if our mate is perfect for the world at large, how then can we see anything of ourselves in them? What we see in this instance is a mirage; mendacity on our own parts because we know what we are seeing is utterly false, we simply don’t care. It really is strange how we can make ourselves believe something that just is not real, and just hope for the best when inevitably the best just is not meant to be in many cases. These are just random thoughts brought forth by a once missing piece of my life’s puzzle. Now, if only I can figure out where it fits, and place it.
Until next we meet,
Cheeks <3
Getting to know Cheeks ...
Good morning people ... Cheeks here ... nice to meet you. Well such as we are, meeting one another that is. Funny thing about my nom de plum, it was just given to me over the weekend by someone very special. I told him that I don't go in for nick names, but some how, Cheeks becomes me I think. I am not sure where this blog is headed ... I suppose for now, today, it will be an outlet. Blogging is cheaper than therapy, and less finite than suicide. Oh yeah ... I forgot to tell you, I have been known to have a flair for dramatics ... but I guess you know that already. No worries people, I am not going anywhere, I am too nosey.
So, for those of you still reading … who is Cheeks really? Well if you look above this post, there I am on all my glory. I am a thirty something chick with nice eyes (and a bit of an ego at times ;) ) I write. I am a writer … I come complete with the cynical mentality and tortured soul that generally come standard with any artist. I hate my life, but ask me what life is and I will tell you beautiful … ask me how many friends I have and why there are so few I will tell you because I cannot stand anyone, but ask me what makes this world worth living in, and I will tell you humanity. Is there a God? I don’t know, but if there is … well let’s just say that he, she, or it … is NOT my favorite entity right now. Cheeks has found love in several different guises … has she held on to it ... hell no … not even close … I cannot figure out if it is me or them, but today I will tell you, I am not so sure love was made for me, or should that be stated that I was not made for love … I was not made to love. I’ve got a small family that just now is uncertain, scattered and angry for various reasons, but at the end of the day, there is affection. I have no pets. I rarely eat, almost never sleep, and I drink too much, not to the point of full on alcoholism, but I do wash my worries away with a nice merlot or my favorite, a dirty martini or three.
People … Cheeks is a lost lonely girl who clings to a minuscule shard of hope that MAYBE one day she will wake up and all the puzzle pieces will be exactly where they are supposed to be, all fitting together perfectly to form the picture of a well lived, well loved life. Alas, today, only the edges of the puzzle are done … the bits in the middle are scattered ... a couple of pieces have fallen under the table face down, and a handful are just down right lost. Perhaps here I can gather them all together, and put them where they belong to form a whole, happy, Cheeks. Come along for the ride if you dare, we can sip tea and chat as we put this thing together.
Talk to you soon!!
Cheeks
So, for those of you still reading … who is Cheeks really? Well if you look above this post, there I am on all my glory. I am a thirty something chick with nice eyes (and a bit of an ego at times ;) ) I write. I am a writer … I come complete with the cynical mentality and tortured soul that generally come standard with any artist. I hate my life, but ask me what life is and I will tell you beautiful … ask me how many friends I have and why there are so few I will tell you because I cannot stand anyone, but ask me what makes this world worth living in, and I will tell you humanity. Is there a God? I don’t know, but if there is … well let’s just say that he, she, or it … is NOT my favorite entity right now. Cheeks has found love in several different guises … has she held on to it ... hell no … not even close … I cannot figure out if it is me or them, but today I will tell you, I am not so sure love was made for me, or should that be stated that I was not made for love … I was not made to love. I’ve got a small family that just now is uncertain, scattered and angry for various reasons, but at the end of the day, there is affection. I have no pets. I rarely eat, almost never sleep, and I drink too much, not to the point of full on alcoholism, but I do wash my worries away with a nice merlot or my favorite, a dirty martini or three.
People … Cheeks is a lost lonely girl who clings to a minuscule shard of hope that MAYBE one day she will wake up and all the puzzle pieces will be exactly where they are supposed to be, all fitting together perfectly to form the picture of a well lived, well loved life. Alas, today, only the edges of the puzzle are done … the bits in the middle are scattered ... a couple of pieces have fallen under the table face down, and a handful are just down right lost. Perhaps here I can gather them all together, and put them where they belong to form a whole, happy, Cheeks. Come along for the ride if you dare, we can sip tea and chat as we put this thing together.
Talk to you soon!!
Cheeks
